(the post that never was)

It’s raining. I’ve been 27 for a week. I don’t know where I’m going next but I know it’s a road less traveled. I wish I could say that I see the ending but I don’t. I’m grateful to the Universe for aligning my stars to this point. I’m thankful for the wonderful person that makes sure I have a roof over my head. I think that the Universe co-conspires to make sure that you aren’t moving in the wrong direction.

It gives you what you need to meet you at the place you need to be at that moment.

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Changing Circumstances

Today I decided I’m quitting my job. When I sat back and evaluated my entire existence at the company, I only applied because I knew I would be hired based on my background. When I accepted, I didn’t expect to be there past Christmas (keep in mind that it is now April). During that time, I’ve been threatened, robbed and tried to make feel less of a person. I realized yesterday that I’ve had the same headache for about 5 days and when I took three days off, it mysteriously disappeared. I can’t say that they were the cause of my headache but I know nothing else has changed in my life aside from not going into work. So my first duty as a 27 year old (my birthday is tomorrow), I’m going to tithe, pray about the situation and then leave it in God’s hands. I’ve already asked him for a new job and I believe that he will give it to me. In the mean time, I’ll do something to keep myself together as far as finances are concerned but today was my “a-ha” moment and I have to move forward and change my circumstances.

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Defeat

I told my boyfriend tonight that I was overwhelmed. That I felt like things were closing in on me. And, I felt after that, everything that was said went into lecture mode. I know that wasn’t the intent but it’s how I felt.

Atlanta has been a city that has consumed me. Some of the best and worst things in my life have happened in my two years living here. I was robbed at gunpoint for some shit that wasn’t even mine and I (re)met the man that I’m in love with. It’s amazing how you can have two very different occurrences happen on two broad ends of the spectrum happen to you in a place where you expect to feel the most safe. This is where I’ve taken to make my home and I feel nearly as alone two years in as I did two days into this journey.

I can’t accept defeat but I will say this place has attempted to consume me. It’s making me question lots of things in my life in relation to time, space and relationships created. It has also created for me trust issues. I’m still taking a stab at this place but many times, I question why I came here of all the places. But then I remember, you have to trust the process.

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Day 2 (yes, I know there isn’t a day one)

I’ve delayed on this writing challenge. I’ve got an entire day off work where all I’m to do is working on a business plan. Except, I’m a self proclaimed writer that doesn’t want to write anything.
So my writing prompt from a few days ago asked me to write about a current or past relationship. Since, I’m in a happy space, I don’t want to revisit past relationships so I’ll tell the story of my current.
I jokingly call him Coach (I think I’ve referred to him in different ways on here so far but I’ll go with that one for this story). We met about 8 ½ years ago in our dorm. We instantly became friends but nothing ever escalated past that point. I thought he was too silly for me. And he thought I was mean.
After 4 years of college, I moved back home to Memphis and we lost contact. Near 3 years after coming back home, I decided I needed a change of pace and moved to Atlanta. I came here to pursue a career in Marketing and Public Relations. After obtaining what should’ve been my dream position, I was let go from the company. On that very next day, I was down and needed a pick up me and I ran into him outside the grocery store. He was at the RedBox and I was buying ice cream.
We said our salutations and exchanged phone numbers. I never thought I would talk to him again. Later he that week, he texted me and asked if we could hang out. I obliged and we went miniature golfing. And as the books would say, the rest is history.
Words can’t explain how much of a blessing this man has been in my life. He’s kept me grounded when I’ve wanted to jump off the edge and balanced me so much more than any other person in my life.

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It was the best of days it was the worst of days.

It was the best of days it was the worst of days.

And, that about sums up my day today.

Actually, let’s rewind. Yesterday, I got up and went to my car and upon cranking it, I closed my door and my back passenger doors window shattered. I was dumbfounded. I could not believe that I was experiencing my window shatter the way that it did. I called into the house where PR was and asked him to come outside. He greeted me with a confused look asking how I could have done that. I had no explanation other than that it didn’t make a lick of sense to me. After getting through that day and finding someone that would fix my window inexpensively, I was over it and ready for the next day.

I wake up this morning and go to the bank to get cash because my debit card no longer works and another one has been ordered. After that, we get the window fixed and continue on our morning. We even take a day date since the weather has warmed to over freezing temps (damn polar vortex). We get lost in our backyard (the city that we live in outside Atlanta) and plan out how we’re going to hang out this weekend. After that, I had a doctor’s appointment.

Now, here is where my day switches into BS mode. I get to the appointment only to find out that I no longer have insurance with the company in which I signed up less than 2 months ago. And I lose my place in line for the appointment because my benefits department wouldn’t let me know any information about this change. I come home and hunt down which company now has the pleasure of insuring me only to not be able to get an appointment before next week.

So once I calm down from being furious at the world, I find out the apartment that I recently moved out of is under eviction and my name is still on the lease. I honestly don’t know how I’m still managing to smile though all of this but I know there has to be a light at the ending of the tunnel and I’ll get though it but right now, I’ll just sit here with a WTF? face.

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Gratitude

Where I am today:

I set a goal to begin working at writing again. It’s a bit lofty but my mister is about to begin being my accountability partner when it comes to writing. I know that’s going to get difficult because it’s easy for me to make excuses and it’s also easy for me to make them and for him to know where I’m coming from when I say what’s going on in my life. But that’s the beauty of this accountability because he’ll have to deal with me as well.

Right now, in 2014, I’m at a point of gratitude. I’ve had some unsettling things happen to me in the last few months. I was robbed. I was cheated out of space within my own home and I felt taken advantage of but what has gotten me to the space of gratitude is that I was also loved.  In this moment, I feel like I have so much to offer and I have to stop being afraid of the time it will take to accomplish my goals.

I hate the idea of New Year, new me but last year, I set out to accomplish some goals and I was able to see certain ones through including the things placed on my vision board. In 2014, I believe that I will be able to push my attitude of gratitude into not only a permanent existence but one where I am able to attract and teach others about my attitude for gratitude.

In this new space and new relationship, I’ve been able to completely be myself and be taken for the person I am. I have been able to not only look out for myself but for the relationship as a whole and not feel emasculated in the process. In life, I’ve come to a positive place and at this point, I believe I can only grow from here.

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Tired

I suck at this. Wait, let me not say that. I haven’t been focused and I’ve been tired. Actually, tired isn’t the word. My life has been a state of just rest. I come home from work and I fall asleep. I wake up and eat and then I go right back to sleep. Except of course when I go hang out with a friend but it’s the same routine. Once I eat, I come back home and fall asleep. I started looking into ways to get around it and starting tomorrow (I like Monday starts), I’m going to take Dr. Oz’s advice about reasons that I’m fatigued and ways around it.

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5 years later

#47 In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

Yesterday, I spent the day on Stone Mountain. I had never gone and it was on my imaginary Atlanta bucket list. It’s my list of things I mentally say that I want to do and/or accomplish before I move from Atlanta’s metro area. (Yes, I make the distinction that I do not live in the city.) Stone Mountain has become a major attraction and it also has people to visit to get their feel of outdoors fun. So in my true nature, I went with a friend who suggested it because I enjoy his company and again, it was on my bucket list. So after about an hour of playing around in the park, we took the skylift up to the top of the mountain.

After taking in the view from the top of the mountain, we realized about an hour later that we couldn’t take the lift back down to the bottom. There’s only one way down the mountain at this point and that’s to hike it. But remember at this point, it’s at dusk so when we begin down the side of the mountain, we don’t have any light and it’s only getting darker. 2 miles later, we have missed the beginning of the laser and fireworks show which was the entire reason that we wanted to even stay the length of time we were in the park.

All in all, I’ll say my only trip to Stone Mountain will be one that I will remember 5 years from now. If we then begin to get into the days before that, well, I can’t make any promises that I’ve done anything remotely as memorable in a while but I know that 5 years from now, the unintended hike up Stone Mountain will go down in infamy as one of those moments where life threw a curve ball and I didn’t care because I was having a blast in the midst of the curve.

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Protection

Recently, one of my favorite past times has been watching the movie Think Like A Man. I never got into the hype surrounding the book but the movie was a cast of all of young working Black Hollywood and I try and support my own. In the movie, Steve Harvey (himself and through the cast) talks about several things you should know if you want to understand if a guy is honestly into you.

I’ve been hanging out with someone and didn’t know if they were into me or not. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure what was going on besides actually hanging out. But I’m typically oblivious to that fact that men are interested in me. I think that everybody flirts (because I do) and we don’t necessarily mean anything by the flirting.

But yesterday, I had a moment where my life felt like the movie — the provide and protection aspect. I went on a walk with this guy that I’ve been hanging out with and it’s funny how when you finally pay attention to things that they make sense. For instance, as we went on a walk, he always walked on the outside to keep me out of the flow of traffic and made sure to open doors. And though I’m not in a relationship, I feel like this is more protection than I got in my last relationship. And while it wasn’t like I had to be protected, it was nice to feel like I needed to be.

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Would You Take a Redo?

2007 was without a doubt the best and worst year of my life. I stopped talking to my Dad, gained lifelong friends and spent much of it inebriated all while pursing my college degree. The phrase, “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” pretty much sums up how I felt about the entire experience. I’ve made good and bad decisions and I’ve been able to move past things that were bad as a result of those decisions. Tonight, I sat and thought about the possibility of having a redo of that time in my life. Namely, the college years. I realized that I wouldn’t honestly change those years for anything. There are some moments that I wish I could do over but I know that they have made me the person that I am.

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